Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
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A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.