I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
You Might Also Like
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ