I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
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My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year