I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
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Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me