I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
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son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*