I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
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NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…