Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
You Might Also Like
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*