[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
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Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.