I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
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My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun