The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
You Might Also Like
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.