A small tragedy.
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*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
stop
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”