I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
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If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
liiiiiiiiike
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
never forget