Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
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Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
accurate
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Well, shit
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.