When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
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Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I feel attacked.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to