[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
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*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy