me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
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When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.