omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
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I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Selfie
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.