[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
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is this a threat
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.