Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
You Might Also Like
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I can’t deal with men any longer
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.