I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
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In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.