After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
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Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Once again not all heroes wear capes
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya