So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
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Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Did I do this right
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.