wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
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Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Sell your car
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am