Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
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Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
wtf is an acronym
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?