My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
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Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
That’s enough internet for the day
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.