Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
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Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.