Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
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Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’