My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
For those that worship cheese..
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.