The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
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The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.