Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
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Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol