“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
You Might Also Like
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth