[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
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Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili