This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
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If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
nobody’s gonna understand
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball