Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
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Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
You’ll be OK
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
The struggle is real
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Left at a local drug store…
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.