By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
You Might Also Like
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I know karate and tons of other words.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?