I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
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TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature