why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
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I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.