Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
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*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’