If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
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*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!