If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
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I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
True statement👍😏😁
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Noah
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it