*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
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My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”