[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
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Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
How to draw a duck
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Vodka burrito was a success
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
this is me
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?