When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
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Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Ha
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.