(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
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Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please