Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
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Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor