Me too door. Me too.
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Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.