us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
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[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Harsh but fair
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Yup.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics