friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
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I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
sir, my pâté if you please
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
OH. COME. ON.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.