PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
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Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
live, laugh, laundry.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.