I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
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When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Mornin
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
is this meant to deter me